What Happens When You’re Sick of Initiating the Adventure?

A great adventure takes a lot of people fulfilling many roles. But for the folk who are always initiating the plan, it can make you wonder, ‘If I didn’t do this, would we explore together at all?’. Ruby ponders what happens when the Initiator decides to step back.

Every group has one. The person who plants seeds at the potluck dinner, who creates the group chat, who sends the initial hype-up message. They’re the person who spends hours poring over the route, building the spreadsheet, and sending the GPX file.

This person loves the taste of a new adventure, loves the fact that they have friends they can call upon who are willing to join, loves the quiet satisfaction of slotting every detail into its own place so things will run smoothly.

But sometimes, just sometimes, the Initiator sits back and thinks, boy, it would be great to be added to a group chat. To be the person who is chosen. Not to have to manage the invisible labour or the mental load or the responsibility of others’ safety if something goes wrong. To not just plan, but to be planned for.

Groups of friends that’ve known each other a long time tend to slip into a rhythm. We each assume our roles. There are one or two people more likely to initiate than others, but everyone plays a valuable role, roles necessary for social cohesion and memory-making.

The Joker – always willing to put their body on the line for the plot.

The Therapist – who’s definitely going to ask about how you’re really feeling when you’re 10km deep.

The Optimist – the one who lifts the mood when you realise it’s 8km further than you thought. They initiate word games and riddles, sing songs, and encourage the stragglers at the back.

The Nerd – who wants to reference the scientific name for each orchid, or bird species, or moss. Full of fun facts, this one.

The Safety Officer – the one who claps for snakes and clears the path with a stick. Who has the most robust first aid kit you’ve ever seen, and can rush to the aid of bursting blisters and rolled ankles with calm efficiency and a sense of purpose.

The Photographer – always behind the lens, never in front, snapping candids in the fading light that you’ll treasure forever.

The Gear Hound – who has two of everything, meaning the less experienced person doesn’t have to miss out because they don’t have the right tools.

Each of these archetypes helps keep adventures the textured, ridiculous things they are. They each involve effort in their own ways.

But what happens if it feels out of balance? If you’re the Initiator, do you slowly fade away from the people that you love? Do you sit there and think, ‘Well, I’m just not going to say anything! Let’s see if they notice! Let’s see if they step up!’. The reality is, that’s only going to punish you further, because it’s true. It’s likely no one will notice. They’re consumed by their own stresses and fears and insecurities and resentments (like you are!).

Initiators are often the very people creating the dynamics they come to resent. An Initiator’s competence, speed, and efficiency can sometimes encourage others to step back. Over time, participation becomes safe, while initiation starts to feel risky.

If you’re an Initiator and want someone to step up, you also need to be willing to relinquish some of that control and accept that things might move at a different pace or in a different way. Having a conversation is the only way to change the pattern.

How to have the conversation if you’re sick of being the Initiator

Don’t forget, these are your friends! You should be able to communicate how you feel, and you should feel safe knowing that they’ll respond with kindness and understanding.

Lead with an affirmation: I love you, and I love spending time with you

Express how you feel and acknowledge the role you play: I’ve started to feel a little resentful of being the person who always has to initiate our trips. I know part of that’s because I don’t always make room for other people to step in.

Offer a solution: I was thinking I’d take a break from the role of Initiator for our next trip

Keep in mind, sometimes the solution isn’t necessarily a role reversal – sometimes the Initiator just needs more acknowledgement, or to feel seen before the trip even begins. The Initiator often takes on that role because they’re really bloody good at it!

Close with an affirmation: We love a feedback sandwich

Share how you appreciate what they contribute to the group adventures as well.

And for those of your reading this who aren’t the Initiator in the group, think of the person who is and tell them you see and appreciate the work they do. Sometimes that’s all it takes.

Less Planning More Pondering

• You Can Have a Beautiful Day Alone
• I’d Forgotten the Joy of Outside, Until This Moment
• Working 9-5: How Did I Get Here?
• An Ode to Our Adventurous Friends