We found Tim hiding out in the wilderness (a winery in Orange) and dragged him back to the desk to finish recapping last week’s episode of Alone Australia before the next one airs.

 

Want to know about the latest season of Alone? Check out our guide to Alone Australia Season 3 for everything you need to know!

Hello dear reader and first, an apology. I did watch episode 5 last Wednesday night and write my silly little notes, but then a public holiday, a wedding, and all manner of frivolity meant that I never locked in to properly recap the episode.

The good news? You get one today, and another tomorrow, so expect some big changes to the convoluted playing field that Aotearoa has dished up.

Producer Riima Daher described the island as a ‘dominatrix’ when I interviewed her a month ago and she wasn’t lying. The cold and wet is seeping into my bones, symbolically, of course. I am quite warm in my garlic bread themed Oodie.

Unlike some commentators (read: angry people on Facebook) I’m always quite restrained with my criticism of the contestants. There’s no way I could do most (any) of the things they’re doing. Heck, I’ve never camped solo before, I am simply too extroverted for such things.

Let’s dig into episode 5 of Alone Australia.

*Spoiler alert* Alone Australia Season 2 Episode 5 spoilers from here!

‘When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.’ – Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Ok woah, I read this as something else for a second and thought it was insanely morbid. Luckily it’s just about GRIT which makes sense. We’re approaching three weeks which is typically when you start to see the next wave of dropouts on Alone – once people who can’t hunt or fish have pushed the limits of starvation a bit too far.

Interesting approach from the ‘previously on’. I’m not sure why they don’t just summarise the previous episode. Getting a range of highlights from up to three episodes ago isn’t going to help a new viewer or someone who’s forgotten what happened last week because their recap writer was lazy. Anyway.

Read more: Everything You Need to Know About Alone Australian Season 2 

 

Day 13 let’s go

Krzysztof

Hey mate! It’s been a minute.

I’ve just been reminded that Krzysztof is 39, which feels like the perfect age for Alone. Not too old to have too many health issues, but not too young to have experience. So how’s it going my elusive friend?

He’s talking to fish in both English and Polish, which is a bit of a flex. Pity that fish in a lake on Te Waipounamu/South Island would definitely speak Māori. His little Polish family is so cute though.

Back to the real world and damn, he’s caught an eel. What’s the eel-to-fish ratio in this place? Also, I reckon his headache is worse than he’s letting on, his voice is distant and slow, and he’s taking measured steps. It’s surprising the aquaculturist hasn’t caught a fish yet in nearly two weeks.

As we return to camp It’s worth noting two things that have been causing discussion in the Facebook groups.

  1. That looks like a can of Bushman insect repellent. Did he find that? It’s next to some other rubbish.
  2. He has an inflatable sleeping pad. That wasn’t on the gear list? Unless it’s part of the bivi bag, which is new for season two. It definitely raises a few eyebrows though.

Read more: The Alone Australia Season 2 Gear List Has Dropped – What Would You Take Into the Wild?

 

Tim’s tin foil hat is well and truly on

 

Also, Krzysztof’s shelter is looking thicc! Those walls are a good 20cm of insulation. I wonder if he can batten down the doorway too?

Safe to say the lack of focus on shelters so far has been disappointing. We wanna see your lil’ houses team. And the pimping features like the hanging GoPro mount he’s rigged up so he can lie down and talk to the camera?

Kxxxxxxxx’s using the memory of his grandmother’s struggle during World War II to keep going, which isn’t something I’ve seen before. It’s a fairly potent way to reframe the Alone experience. In reality, you’re pretty safe, it’s just hard and you need to work out how to catch some dang food.

Suzan

Ok we love the Namu namu yoga pose to scare off sandflies. Keen to see Aussie stockmen adopt this to deal with flies.

 

Can report that this does feel great

 

Suzan is looking waaay better but five days of diahorrea? Damn gurl. And now she’s comparing herself to a poop? That’s a great analogy. We are all poop.

Why is Suzan’s shelter so low? It looks so uncomfortable, maybe it’s to increase surface area?

Anyway it should be easy to move it. She must be feeling a lot better to move her 100kg of gear to a better spot. Now she just has to build a decent shelter, catch some food, resist the berries and she’ll be laughing.

 

Have loved Suzan’s comeback

Jack

It’s so interesting that Jack decided to basically make a tent instead of a lean-to or shelter. Maybe it was a warmth or an anti bug thing. Again, I’d love a bit more focus on the shelters.

Gosh that’s a cute photo of his daughters. Always a cause for concern when the family photos come out though…

 

Wonder what the success rate is for people who bring family photos onto Alone

 

Jack hasn’t eaten protein in 13 days, and he’s looking pretty rough. But never fear, he’s made a digging stick! Take that birds, the worms are Jack’s!

‘Let’s get these worms hey?’ No early bird joke dude? Come on it’s RIGHT THERE.

The Māori made a similar tool called a timo but they must have had more skills too because Jack is finding nada.

 

Quite terrifying tbh

 

I can’t tell if it’s the editing this season or what but everyone seems to do everything for about three seconds before deciding it’s a hopeless waste of time. I don’t know if it is all editing, it’s not like Jack had a huge ploughed area in front of him.

Also, and no offence to the bootleg timo, but he doesn’t seem to be digging very deep? Like I feel like he could have just used the stick on its own at this point.

Anyway, Jack is starting to look run ragged and suddenly there’s this talk about knowing he can last 30 days without food (note: it is day 13) but not wanting to return too weak to look after his family. Like, bro, you’re not there with them now? I think they will be ok.

They might see him sooner than expected though, he’s lost another fishing fly in this rocky bay and the morale is at rock bottom.

Day 14 – Two-Week Milestone!

Andreas

So many whingers on the Facebook groups are complaining that ‘10 days is the minimum’ and all this nonsense. Based on what? I feel like the goalposts always move for these people.

Andreas is looking kinda rugged with that beard yo. He’s complaining about the rain which seems to be the one thing he’s not prepared for. ‘My success here is weather dependent’. Like, I’m sure they told you it was gonna be rainy.

He’s going fishing for trout because he reckons the rain will keep the deer away.

He can literally see the trout! Look how much better this area is for fishing than Jack’s location, the sandy bottom highlights the fish.

 

Damn that vis is goooood

 

Haha ok holy shit did he really catch that fish basically immediately? It was like he did that dance move where you hook your mate and reel them in (works first time, every time).

I just rewatched that clip to be sure and it is not cut at all. It probably wasn’t his first cast but he really did flick and catch in 20 seconds. Incredible.

I really enjoy how his voice gets more Swedish when he gets excited. ‘It’s a spawned up male!’.

It’s Andreas’ first catch. He’s still very much in the game.

 

It’s a-trout time!

Rick

I’m keen to see how Rick is going, it’s been a minute.

And he’s giving himself a manicure on the beach. Love how you pretended you didn’t know what it’s called king.

I also love a mud map! If you’ve never done it before, give it a try, it’s so fun drawing your surroundings in the dirt.

Are we adding rocks and 3D features? Hahaha ok Rick is not even slightly stressed about his situation. What a chiller.

 

Inspo for my next beach activity

 

Now Rick is tackling a river crossing to save a bit of time getting back to camp and he’s discovered something that multiple people messaged me about.

‘I don’t think my boots are waterproof!’ No shit! The sole is falling off. I think he’s just phrased it badly to be honest because we all knew that. He later says that he’s soaked up to his waist so his shoes would have got wet regardless. It’s all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad if I’m honest.

Andreas

Ok the conditions are proper wet, that looks grim.

I must ask though, are we gonna cook the fish? I’d be so worried about a kookaburra eating my fish if it was hanging up in Australia, must be ok in NZ. Most of their birds can’t fly.

Woah what’s with the braided line, did I miss this? That’s pretty tricky and explains how Andreas can cast so nicely compared to people like Jack (who I guess gave up on shooting his line with a bow and arrow?).

 

You really learn something new every episode

 

He’s actually fly fishing at this point, he’s tapping the water, and sighting the fish. There’s some real skill on display here.

He’s got another one and it’s really hooked in there! Finally, we get it onto the beach.

‘Look at that stonker!’

 

Ya big honk o’ stonk!

 

Hahaha Andreas just went full Swedish. How good. He now has two massive fish and remember, he’s already eaten a possum.

I wonder what exactly led to his sudden fishing success. Was it a change in tactics? Maybe the rain? Or maybe just a switch in focus from hunting and he was always good at it. Regardless, Andreas is looking particularly strong at the minute.

Read more: My First Fishing Lesson Rewarded Me With a Hobby for Life

Rick

We’re back on the shoe problem. Rick is really describing what’s going on. I think that, potentially, he should just be given a camera and sent off to make his own series.

It’s actually surprising he’s big on TikTok, because he seems absolutely primed for YouTube.

Ok Rick is cooking gravel? Yummy.

 

Want rocks for brains? Eat this

Ohh he’s just gonna dry his boots with warm rocks? This seems really risky. Like if they’re steaming that quickly they’re probably too hot and the glue might get more damaged? Could be fine but I’m a bit worried about this hack.

I’m a bit worried Rick hasn’t been getting much food either, surely it’s becoming a priority.

Andreas

Andreas is making a fish drying rack which will be great if it ever stops raining.

A fire would be better but that’s off the table with this cursed weather. Honestly these conditions are horrid, surviving one day is probably like getting through three at this point.

 

A contestant’s nightmare is a TV producer’s dream

 

Extreme weather in NZ apparently includes tornadoes? I fact-checked this with a very credible website called Wikipedia and apparently they get 7-10 a year.

I can barely hear Andreas over the rain on his tarp. Has he not eaten any of his fish yet? The man is showing some real restraint.

Rick

We’re back to Rick and he’s counting the gap between lightning and thunder. This man seriously never stops teaching.

 

He didn’t say Mississippi though…

Suzan

Suzan is frothing the thunderstorm, that checks out. She has such a floaty voice, like a dirty Luna Lovegood.

Jack

HAHA Jack looks so off it. Geez, you’d want a good tarp. I’m sure his little tent setup feels so claustrophobic right now.

 

Bombastic side eye

Tamika

Luckily she’s protected her shelter a bit too. Reckon she can keep the fire going while it’s stormin’?

Krzysztof

As far as I can tell he looks pretty toasty. That strong bed must be doing wonders. He’s even got guy ropes out.

Does anyone else keep forgetting that he’s not going to have a Polish accent? He’s quite Aussie.

And you know every Polish-Australian’s favourite snack? Reeds that wash up on the shore. Yummo.

Tamika – Day 15

Christ, are we really talking about being plant-based again? We. Get. It.

Anyway, we’re looking for possums which as all good New Zealanders know, are the devil incarnate. No luck so we’re going hunting for deer. And we’re hearing about her Dad, again.

 

:/

Jack

Jaack is back on the bow again and ‘Hoping to bump into a deer’. This seems like a good strategy, I back it.

With that much poo around surely it’s a matter of time before someone actually sees a deer. They must be so timid.

I absolutely adored the suspenseful music right before the camera fell over too. Literally anything happens and the sound crew and like bwaaaaa.

Jack is doing a lot of talking about home now, and rationalising. You can feel it when people’s mind changes I reckon. They lose the worry in their voice. They start talking in rehearsed phrases.

Jack’s out, he’s gonna go home in the morning. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t expect him to tap so early, he talked some big game.

Ad Break

Who’s keen for the Building the Snowy propaganda movie? Snowy 2.0 is an environmental disaster on many fronts. It’s not even bringing in heaps of immigrants and their delicious cuisines like the original. Boo.

Medical Team

Krzysztof is fine.

The manual scale for his weight is pretty funny though, digital hasn’t made it to NZ.

 

Probs just doesn’t run out of battery

 

Jack just got medically cleared to carry on at 16 days. That would show you that you’re able to keep going hey? Oh NOPE he’s tapping out.

Look, Jack seemed like quite a genuine guy, but I don’t know why he feels the need to describe himself as a predator despite thoroughly proving that he’s not, at least not here.

He’s off to ‘finish strong’ but to be honest, finishing strong on Alone is finishing at your limit, and he wasn’t there yet.

 

Hit the road Jack

Day 16 and 5 Remain

Tamika

I thought Tamika was gonna tap this ep from what she said in the ep preview. But they’re tricksy bastards. The clip they used was actually her deciding that she’s not going to kill a deer after all. Something revealed to her in an ‘out of body experience’. Has she found Suzan’s berries perhaps?

I’m sorry but if I was on a survival show where hunting was a main component, then I killed a deer and realised it had a fawn, I would eat that too. Like veal. And I say this as someone who was vegetarian for a few years (but maybe not for the same reasons).

I do find it interesting that she’s still willing to fish. If you snorkel with fish for long enough you’ll know they have personalities and behaviours just like a mammal. They have spines and some are quite intelligent. I just don’t get the pescatarian thing.

Anyway, Tamika’s potentially going to see how long she can starve for, which should be interesting to watch.

 

Keeping an eye on you Tamika

Next Week

In a coupla clips: Andreas is looking weak. Tamika is crying about working so hard to get to this point, and Rick maybe has frostbite in his toes?

Things are getting spicy! Half the crew are gone, we’re over half a month in and the weather is going from bad to worse.

Andreas is looking particularly strong at this point, but Rick and Krzysztof won’t be far behind if they can get a feed. Tamika is probably my pick for next to go and Suzan, I have no idea what Suzan is up to and I love it.

Thanks for your patience on this recap, your messages asking where it was made me feel very loved, so I’ll be back tomorrow with another recap on ep 6.

Let’s hope it’s a stonker.

Alone Australia Recaps So Far

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